If Every VHL GM Were a Historical World Leader

[Gustav 6,469]

So I've had this idea for way longer than I'd like to admit (think, like, a year), but it wasn't until @rory  and I actually talked about it last week (he's doing VHLM and probably knows his stuff a good deal better than I do) that I actually decided to do it. As luck would have it, I'm out of media spot claims, and I do need to write something (hopefully) substantial to cover for any possible inadequacies/lack of sleep to come in the relatively near future. It's now time to compare every GM to a historical world leader--I may get stuff wrong, I may miss obvious comparisons, but what the hell, I'm not studying history. I'd like to have a good time, fill up the word count, and maybe even learn (and teach) a thing or two.

 

(Teams will be listed in alphabetical order by location)

 

 

@Jubis - Otto von Bismarck

A few seasons ago, Jubis inherited a culture-wise mess in Calgary. The team was decent, but they were plagued by a former GM with long-standing activity issues, internal conflicts including multiple retirements over a certain incident well-known to those who were there to see it, and general recognition around the league as an "instant nope" for many (yours truly at one point). Present-day Germany, too, found itself in a state of disrepair in the mid-late 1800s--the last barely-breathing remnants of the Holy Roman Empire, itself the very last barely-breathing remnants of old-time Rome, were on its way out, and the rest of the area was very loosely defined as the "German confederation," a collection of small sovereign states. In other words, a Calgary-esque hot mess. Cue Bismarck, the brain behind German reunification and Germany's first chancellor, bringing it all together under his power in 1871 and making Germany a strong state which aimed to develop itself as a world power while making peace with those who surrounded it. There can be no better choice for Bismarck than Jubis, who has taken a cultural dumpster fire and maintained the strength of the roster while also making his team a much more desirable destination.

 

 

@JeffD - Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus

Since we're talking GMs of expansion teams, it's a bit hard to differentiate between who's who, but I'll give it a shot. Cincinnatus served as a (Senate-approved) dictator of Rome in 458 BC and resigned after fifteen days. A while later (ok, 19 years later), he would be called off of his farm again to--no joke--crush the uprising of the plebeians. Jeff was a member of the league since S1 and the second-ever GM of Helsinki, but quickly faded into obscurity after a few mediocre players and ended up leaving the league for quite a while. When he came back last year, he'd had something like 20 posts on the forum since 2014, and after a while was offered a GM job in the latest, super-secret 4-team expansion. The only thing that lies slightly out of order here is the uprising of the plebeians--Jeff's appointment was one of a few that sparked controversy as he hadn't recently served as VHLM GM, and the fact that people weren't hired off of a list had some newer members calling for the heads of league leadership.

 

 

@Enorama - Maximilien Robespierre

What the hell? Robespierre? I'll explain in a bit--I almost went with Grover Cleveland for this one (this was difficult, ok?), but I'd rather have something more interesting. For those who are unfamiliar, Robespierre took control of France a little while after their Revolution in 1789, and, well, proceeded to kill everyone who disagreed with him as head of the ironically-named Committee for Public Safety, swiftly rising to power in 1793 and organizing the two-year Reign of Terror during which over 16,000 death sentences were handed out, many of which went to leading government officials. Now, Eno is a fairly reasonable person, and he's certainly never done anything like that, so why the comparison? First of all, his appointment drew some criticism (read: angry media spots) due to lack of VHLM experience, making him somewhat unworthy of the job at first to some, and secondly, he quickly became known for signing players, including those he recruited himself, to lifelong contracts with DC. With Robespierre in power, you wanted to be on his side, and would sign your life away to avoid losing it.

 

 

Myself - Gustavus Adolphus

First of all, how could I not find a Gustav for this one? This actually wasn't even intentional--I was searching up people whose names I remembered from high school history and figured it would be a decent match. Gustavus Adolphus was the king of Sweden between 1611 and 1632, and was primarily known for leading Sweden into the Thirty Years' War (basically this thing where all of Europe decided to kill each other over power and religion). Twelve years in, our friend Gustavus set Sweden up to be one of Europe's greatest military powers, came charging into Europe, and then died in battle after a couple years. Even though he continues to be known and respected as an all-time great military strategist and leader, there's no better allegory for me making a ton of moves before S72 and turning three lotto picks into a load of bad sim luck and no cups.

 

 

@Jubo07- Elizabeth I

 At first I had Jubo down for Philip II of Macedon (father of Alexander the Great), but then I thought of this one and found it too good to pass up. Actually the daughter of Henry VIII (and Anne Boleyn, executed for not giving Henry a son), a never-married Elizabeth took the throne in 1588 and held it for 44 years. That same year, some interesting things were brewing over in Spain--King Philip II had built the famed Spanish Armada, the most powerful naval fleet in the world, and launched an attack on England. The English ships, having much less firepower but being a good deal quicker, successfully defended their homeland and took down the Armada upon invasion (the above portrait was then commissioned and sent to Philip, with symbolism all over the place giving a giant middle finger to Spain). Pulling off upset victories like this seems to be Jubo's specialty, as his Titans went all the way to the cup finals last season (and most recently, just knocked off Moscow this season!) despite not looking much like a top-tier team on paper.

 

 

@McWolf - Alfred the Great

One of only two English monarchs to earn the title of "the Great", Alfred became King of the West Saxons in about the year 871 and took over as King of the Anglo-Saxons around 886, where he stayed until 899. After watching his three older brothers take the throne (and die in succession), Alfred took over. As a military leader and diplomat, he successfully fought off an attempt at conquest by the Vikings, and then proceeded to make peace with them and Denmark. Subsequently, he acted as an educational reformer and oversaw a large improvement in his people's quality of life. McWolf, in a similar manner, took a while to reach VHL GM status, being passed over multiple times after his return to the league before finally landing a job in Saskatoon and eventually being promoted to his current role. He has also seen himself appointed to the BoG, where he's one of the more active and reasonable voices in league policy-making and improvement.

 

 

@Josh - John F. Kennedy

I considered making Josh Benedict Arnold purely for leaving me in free agency, but I'm not that mean. Kennedy was well-known for his rise to the American presidency at a young age. His military policies would prove dangerous, speaking with hindsight, but perhaps his most notable achievement was helping to bring about the Civil Rights Act, arguably the most important piece of American legislation in the 20th century, which was passed after his assassination in 1963. Josh is the newest addition to the league's admin team, and while he has been around for a good amount of time less than many others, his work on the portal--arguably the greatest development in VHL history--has proven to be an immeasurable contribution to the current state of the league.

 

 

@FrostBeard - Ivan the Great

Notice how I didn't pick Ivan the Terrible. That would have been terrible, wouldn't it? Ivan III, now known as Ivan the Great, was the Grand Prince of Moscow and leader of Russia from 1462 to 1505. What made him great? After inheriting the throne, he kicked the Mongolian Empire out of Russia, centralized power to form a solid foundation for the Russian Empire, and tripled his territory. Now, I'd be the first to tell you that @Advantage was great in his run in Malmo, but neglecting S68, the franchise was plagued with bad sim luck and was set up for an impending rebuild by the time he stepped down. Frost took over and so far has done a great job with the team--the roster is young and they're already pretty decent, for a while finding themselves on top of the standings this season, with a bright future ahead of them.

 

 

@Victor - Napoleon Bonaparte

Here's where you really expected to see Ivan the Great, or at least someone Russian. Ivan the Terrible didn't really work, the only thing I know about Tsar Nicholas II was WWI, Peter the Great kind of worked but would be a bit of a boring choice, and Vlad the Impaler was actually Romanian. So, after going through everyone that came to mind in that regard, I tried to think in more general terms and settled upon this. After France went and abolished their monarchy in 1789 (and, as we established earlier, had a different sort of an awful situation not too long after), Napoleon took over fifteen years later and...you know, became Emperor. Mission accomplished, France? Anyway, after Napoleon rose to power, France became the dominant power in Europe, as he brought about reform and overhaul of the legal code while expanding the empire. Then, long story short, he was kicked out, came back, traveled up to Paris, and the guy sent to stop him ended up kissing him instead and he briefly became Emperor again. Victor was already established as one of the league's all-time great dictators when he went into exile in the league's notorious almost-dead era, and returned in S60 with a vengeance, introducing Podrick Cast and (fittingly enough) invading Russia upon appointment as GM of Moscow.

 

 

@Esso2264 - Tutankhamun

Here we go back to easily the earliest entry so far (and possibly the earliest entry on the entire list; I'm not going back and editing this one). King Tut is probably best known as one of the stereotypical symbols of ancient Egypt--the mask found in his tomb, above, is probably a picture that many of you have seen many times. But what actually happened with him? Why am I making comparisons? Tut became pharaoh at the grand old age of eight or nine around 1334 BC. Though he died not long after, a few things that happened under his rule are known--he worked to restore old monuments and religion, and relocated the capital to Thebes from Akhetaten. Esso was hired early on in his VHL career, getting a promotion after (I think) only one season with Ottawa, and recently campaigned for a relocation of New York.

 

 

@diamond_ace - Nelson Mandela

Mandela devoted his life to the ideal of ensuring happiness and fair treatment for all people--arrested for life in 1962 for action against his native South African government, he was set free in 1990 amid heightened racial tension and apartheid policies. Four years later, he was elected president. Working to bring an end to racism, as well as to attack problems with the economy, with healthcare, and with HIV/AIDS, and remaining active in these causes after his time in office, Mandela is held in the highest of regard by millions of people around the world. d_a runs Prague in a very player-centric manner, almost never having traded an active player. He's also part of the VHLM commissioner team, which recently has taken to hard enforcement of retention-first policies to benefit newer, lower-TPE members.

 

 

@hedgehog337 - Caesar Augustus

Nope, not Julius, but the one who came after Julius. Appointed Emperor of Rome in the year 27 BC, Augustus had his work cut out for him. His predecessor, you-know-who, was known as a great military leader, and a bit of skirmish erupted after his death over the identity of Rome's next ruler. After defeating one competitor in battle and exiling another, Augustus took over--and began an era of unforeseen peace in the empire known as the Pax Romana. Hedge has been GM of Riga for a very long time (as in, the amount of time I've been in this league isn't even half of it), and as far as I can tell, nobody's ever had a huge issue with Riga. They've consistently been a strong team (as was the Empire under Augustus), but never one that's had conflict.

 

 

@Banackock - Mansa Musa

The empires of Ghana, Mali, and Songhai, located one after another in about the same location in Western Africa, are one of world history's more interesting and overlooked stories. In 1312, Musa took the throne of Mali, and amassed heaping loads of wealth. Mali was already one of the world's largest producers of gold, and on top of that, they were one of the world's largest producers of salt. Then much more difficult to obtain, salt would be traded pound-for-pound for gold from elsewhere. Because of this, Musa is considered one of the wealthiest people to ever live. This past run of Seattle teams has provided the league with some of the wealthiest players in its history, with just about every other cup in recent memory going to the Bears as deals are struck every season to keep it going.

 

 

@Peace - Mustafa Kemal Atatürk

Atatürk is a bit of an unknown name to some, but he was a very big deal in his country of Turkey. After WWI came the fall of the Ottoman Empire, which opened up possibilities for the future of the region. Atatürk was greatly responsible for governmental reform, personally abolishing the Empire and becoming the first president of the Republic of Turkey. Under his leadership, the country received extensive education reform and westernization, with a greater focus on science and individual freedom than the more authoritarian Islamic ideals of the Empire. Toronto is probably the most radically-changed team in terms of management philosophy that we've seen recently--Peace's predecessor, @Devise, was very well-known for his strategy of trading away every pick, every season. Though there are still some similarities to Devise-style management, Peace has very much taken Toronto and made it his own--any member from the S60s would take one look at the pick tracker and instantly know leadership has changed.

 

 

@Beaviss - Moctezuma II

Moctezuma was actually reasonably effective in his role as leader of the Aztec Empire--becoming Emperor in 1502, he expanded the territory to its greatest-ever extent and was known for centralizing his own power to rule with as little interference as possible. There's only one problem with that, though--the year was then 1520, and a certain Hernán Cortés was knocking on the door from Spain. Sparing a lot of graphic details, the empire fell and so did Moctezuma, who went on to be portrayed in many a historical source as a weak-minded and indecisive ruler. Let's be honest--Beav has done a lot of great work for the league, probably more than most others could ever hope to do. But, there's also no denying that being mean to Beav is practically a sport of its own. For that reason, here's our comparison!

 

 

@.sniffuM - The Zhengde Emperor

So I got to this point and realized that Eno was really the only one I drew an outright negative comparison to. So, with apologies to Muff, we're screwing him over too. The Emperor's real name was Zhu Houzhao, and he was made crown prince of China as part of the Ming dynasty in 1505. At first he was promising as a leader, but then things got weird--he often lived outside of the Forbidden City purely because he felt like it, he built private zoos for himself, hunted tigers, accidentally burned down his own palace...the list goes on. Often regarded as one of history's most insane monarchs, Muff is all this--but in a good way, I promise. He has one of the goofier senses of humor out of anyone, and there's no other Discord server in the league with a #pictures-of-deli-meats channel.

 

 

 

2,785 words; this was more difficult to write than it should have been but here you go.

[thadthrasher 1,692]

This is literally amazing.

[MexicanCow123 916]

#GiveTheMSomeLove 

[rory 1,945]

Me, having written 3 words for "If Every VHLM GM Were a Historical Leader"

[Rayzor_7 741]

4 minutes ago, rory said:

Me, having written 3 words for "If Every VHLM GM Were a Historical Leader"

[Garsh 1,195]

@Joshbe careful out there

[DoktorFunk 810]

Game of Civilization when?

[TheLastOlympian07 2,388]

this is what a MS is about. You learn and its fun to read! good job gus.

[Doomsday 4,143]

excited history noises

[fonziGG 1,071]

51 minutes ago, GustavMattias said:

@Jubo07- Elizabeth I

haha Jubo has cooties

[JigglyGumballs 1,056]

Josh being JFK is both good and awfully concerning. You better not be driving around in open top cars...

[Beaviss 4,958]

@GustavMattias Marcus Aurelius would have been my choice for myself

 

[Gustav 6,469]

1 minute ago, Beaviss said:

@GustavMattias Marcus Aurelius would have been my choice for myself

 

 

Yeah but Moctezuma had expansion AND being made fun of

[diamond_ace 3,112]

Compares Victor to Napoleon

"I realized that Eno was the only one I gave a negative to"

[Beaviss 4,958]

1 minute ago, GustavMattias said:

 

Yeah but Moctezuma had expansion AND being made fun of

 

So did Aurelius

[diamond_ace 3,112]

Also, as I briefly went by diamond_cincinnatus in general discord, I approve of Jeff getting him here. Obviously I'll take Mandela

[Victor 11,022]

This is some good shit.

 

1 hour ago, diamond_ace said:

Compares Victor to Napoleon

"I realized that Eno was the only one I gave a negative to"

Revolutionised the VHL legal code boiii

 

2 hours ago, GustavMattias said:

no other Discord server in the league with a #pictures-of-deli-meats channel.

You have no proof of this!

[eaglesfan036 4,605]

Awesome article! I thought a hurricane destroyed most of the spanish navy though, not so much the britishs hips?

[diamond_ace 3,112]

10 minutes ago, Victor said:

 

Revolutionised the VHL legal code boiii

 

So Hammurabi then

[Victor 11,022]

8 minutes ago, chatfan036 said:

Awesome article! I thought a hurricane destroyed most of the spanish navy though, not so much the britishs hips?

british hips don't lie

[Garsh 1,195]

16 minutes ago, chatfan036 said:

Awesome article! I thought a hurricane destroyed most of the spanish navy though, not so much the britishs hips?

but who do you think summoned the hurricanes???

[Esso2264 774]

i thought i would be some random french guy

[mediocrepony 1,216]

i just studied for my (hypothetical) historical figures test with VHL people

[eaglesfan036 4,605]

4 hours ago, Garsh said:

but who do you think summoned the hurricanes???

Dil

[Garsh 1,195]

22 minutes ago, chatfan036 said:

Dil

that son of a gun