Name that Brand!

[Quik 4,113]

Listen up pigeons, I know you guys all love your Uncapped TPE, so here's a chance to earn some! 

 

The Victory Hockey League is looking to find some Brands to Sponsor the league. We thought it'd be fun to let you guys come up with some of the brand names, and toss some TPE at you for your troubles. Here's the catch: you need to provide ~100 words describing your brand. For each brand + description you come up with, you will earn 1 Uncapped TPE, to a maximum 3 TPE.

 

The limitations on this are fairly loose:

• Must be a fictional Brand
  • Can be based off of a real life brand, Grand Theft Auto style
• Needs to be something you would see attached to a hockey league

 

That's it. Have fun with it. Here's a few examples of what we're looking for:

 

Bio Metal

“Slurp the purp’!” Bio Metal’s world renowned purple recovery drink ensures that athletes of all levels are always ready to get right back into the action, so long as they’ve got our “special stuff” in their water bottles! With a patented recipe that uses ingredients so secret they’re not even available in stores, the FDA can only dream about placing sanctions on our product! While it aids in recovery, it’ll really put some jump in your step - we’re not saying there’s PEDs involved in our product, but we’re also not saying what exactly is, if you catch our drift.

  

CCN

One of hockey’s premier equipment manufacturers, CCN provides its athletes with top of the line gear starting with the best skates money can buy, working all the way up to the to helmets that keep protect your noggin’ from a floggin’! Players who use CCN equipment can always expect state of the art equipment, with new pieces created and shipped out every month, CCN athletes are always ahead of the times when they hit the ice.

 

Haterade

Envious of other athletes who have top endorsements from Nike, Addidas or Reebok? Pissed off that some duster is taking your minutes? Guess you’re sipping the Haterade! Whether you’re red with anger, or green with envy, or just blue in the face from yelling at other players, Haterade has the drink for you, ready to fuel your hatred! With 17 flavours available for any mood, Haterade provides its athletes with the electrolytes and hydration to keep going, even when your body, your body is telling you no.

 

Over Armour

Tired of needing to wear long johns underneath your equipment? Having to wear hockey pants, socks and a sweaty, stinky jersey? Well, Over Armour might just be your solution! A one-piece coverall for the hockey player on the go, Over Armour provides a quick, zip-up suit that goes above your equipment. No longer do you need to put on socks, then pants, and then a jersey over everything. And say goodbye to those sticky long-johns! Now, you just put your equipment on your naked body, the way God intended, then zip up and head out onto the ice, quick and easy!

 

Pacifist

Rock ‘em, sock’em hockey not for you? More into the zen, peaceful pace of non-contact hockey? Then, maybe Pacifist is for you! No pressure, but we here at Pacifist pride ourselves on the serenity that meditation and relaxation. Come join us at our yoga mats, where we can provide you the ultimate in protective equipment - that’s 100% organic, cruelty free and gluten-free. We ensure that our athletes not only protect themselves, but our equipment has contact dampeners to protect other athletes as well, because, as a great man once said: “An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind!”

  

Weston

North? South? East? No way, Jose! The folks at Weston are all about players who love to head West when they’re on the ice. Dipsy-doodle around your opponents, as long as it’s to the West! Taking a shot? Aim for the West side! Passing? You guessed it, to the West! What some may call predictable, we call reliable. Teammates will never need to worry about which way the puck is going when it’s carried by a Weston athlete! We fit our athletes with the ultimate in hockey equipment technology, with heavy focus on the stronger West side, to ensure that you’re always ready to head West

 

 

On 9/24/2018 at 12:18 PM, Beketov said:

Just as something to add to those as well. If you make logos for the brands (either yours or the example ones) they can be used as PT’s as well. No bonus on that or anything but still. Just make sure there’s a good amount of effort. If you just make a CCM style wordmark that’s fine but you’ll need to do more than one brand to count effort wise.

 

 

 

Spoiler

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 @SlapshotDragon

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@Dtayl

@alecbama

@sanlitun

  @Jimbo

@Renegade56

 

 

Edited September 30, 2018 by Quik

[Enorama 2,039]

Are we just posting these as comments in this thread or what?

[Quik 4,113]

6 minutes ago, Enorama said:

Are we just posting these as comments in this thread or what?

Correct. Post them in a single post in here.

[Enorama 2,039]

Zenboni

From the makers of the zen garden and the pre-packaged bonsai trees comes the Zenboni. The Zenboni is a 1:200 scale table-top copy of a VHL arena, complete with a tiny Zamboni to clean it. Over time, the ice surface will become rough and scratched up, and will only return to normal if you run the mini Zamboni over it. It's a great way to unwind when your subordinates are getting on your nerves.

 

Rotomola headsets

Finally, a revolutionary product for coaches whose players just won't listen to their gameplan. Have you always had problems with your throat because of how often you have to scream at your players in a game? Is it too easy for them to pretend they didn't hear you calling them off from their 2-minute-long shift? Get your voice directly into their head. No really, Rotomola headsets can now be implanted directly into someone's brain, making sure they can't possibly ignore you. All you need to do as a coach is keep a receiver on the bench and whisper into it, no need to raise your voice, and all of your connected players will hear you loud and clear.

 

Losebadly

Have a bet on the other team? Don't want to get caught throwing a game? Losebadly equipment is for you. If you use a Losebadly stick, it will break on every grade A chance you get. If you use Losebadly skates, your skate laces will come untied just as you pivot to chase down a guy on a breakaway. To increase your chances of losing the game, we even offer buy one, get three free so you can share your 'bad luck' with your teammates! This deal is only going on until Christmas 2018, so make sure you get your tank commander on and buy some Losebadly equipment!

 

 

Total words: 305 (so about 100 on average)

 

That last one's a play on Winwell btw, not sure how many of you would know that though, it's like a Canadian Tire brand.

[Beketov 9,090]

Just as something to add to those as well. If you make logos for the brands (either yours or the example ones) they can be used as PT’s as well. No bonus on that or anything but still. Just make sure there’s a good amount of effort. If you just make a CCM style wordmark that’s fine but you’ll need to do more than one brand to count effort wise.

 

Edit: For example, I just made this one for CCN. It looks decent but very basic so that wouldn't count as a brand logo on it's own.

 

[diamond_ace 3,112]

Green Bear

 

Tired of other energy drinks claiming to give you appendages their specified animals don't even have? Well, bulls may not have wings, but bears certainly have claws! Get your claws out and sink into Green Bear energy drinks, great for scorers, defenders, and even for fighters, who can really dig those claws into their opponents. Five patented formulas - Grizzly, for the big hulking defensemen and two way forwards who like to block up the lane; Kodiak, for the power forwards who blast the puck with full strength; Sun, for the little guys who use their speed and tactical awareness; Panda, for increased agility when rolling around to get in the way of shots, great for goalies and positional defenders; and Polar, the goon's formula, for the only strictly carnivorous bear there is. Green Bear: sink your claws into it!

(OOC: Kind of obvious what this one is...)

 

Athena

 

More than a sportswear company - Athena provides apparel for on the ice as well as off. Athena sportswear is for the thinking man's athlete, one who knows the game inside and out, and who is never caught on the back foot. That said, we're not just going to sit back and wait for the play to pass us by either; we think, we react, and we make the play. Celebrating after a hard fought win? Swap out of your Athena gear, catch a post game shower, then get into your Athena casual wear also. Play well during the game, look good after. Other companies are just fledgling little things that sit on our shoulders - we get it done. Athena: Get It Done.

(OOC: in Greek mythology, Nike was a small winged creature that sat on the shoulder of Athena, to explain that reference. Otherwise, this one was pretty obvious too).

 

Eleva

 

Primarily a shoe company popular among the ultrarunning community, Eleva is branching out into the hockey world. We recognize the need for conditioning training, between seasons and when recovering from injuries, and so we've worked with our development team and former VHLers to produce the top of the line shoe that will keep you on your feet miles later. The rest of the team will be begging Coach for a rest, and you'll be out there until Coach asks you to stop so we can please just go home already. Constructed with our patented Synthread topsole for maximum breathability and flexible yet sturdy underneath so you'll feel like you're running on clouds - you'll be able to top the league in minutes and never get tired. Keep journeymen like OTT LW1 on the bench, eat up those minutes, and condition yourself with Eleva shoes.

 

(OOC: Dug into my own knowledge of ultrarunning shoes here, basing Eleva on Altra)

[Advantage 2,898]

Forttights – Jocks got you scratching? Maybe its time for a cup…nah.  What if you had an idea that gave you the protection needed but with yoga-level comfort? Introducing the new brand based off the classic game, Forttights! With these yoga tights, you can build layers on them until you reach maximum comfort, a great idea for those with the building mindset.  Be careful to not build too much though, or you may get bogged down and left in the storm.  This brand has been wore by quite a few players in the past during testing, including Michael Angelo and Daniel Braxton.

 

Stucked – Ever wonder how Scotty Campbell scored all of those goals?  Word has come out of some sources that were formerly close to the legend that he used a sticky substance to maintain the puck control…a substance that we are now coining as STUCKED!  While illegal in the Victory Hockey League, it has been going under the noses of everyone for ages and apparently the only player to struggle with it was Logan Laich who used to apply it on the wrong side of the blade.  So put it on the correct side and watch your goal totals rise quickly.

 

Tordahl’s Airway – Tordahl’s Airway is founded by Odin Tordahl who was a former VHL legend that has entered into the VHL Hall of Fame.  Odin wanted to give back to the Victory Hockey League and is now getting involved in the VHL Market to try and provide cheaper and safer flights for all Victory Hockey League players, coaches and staff.  Only time will tell if Tordahl’s Airway will take off but it is likely to be available soon to New York players and staff due to the connection between Tordahl and his former team.

[Stoffiday 127]

 

Official Brands of the Yukon Rush

 

Northern Exposure Sunscreen:

 

 Any self-respecting fan knows it gets cold and sunny here in the six months out of the year when the sun never sets! No one knows this better than YOUR Yukon Rush, so the Rush turn to Northern Exposure Sunscreen.

 

This patent-pending formula is tested on seals and various types of wild fowl, so you can ensure its safety for human consumption! Feel the cool, crisp, and refreshing tingle of over 25 minutes of complete coverage!

 

Our SPF50 formula leaves you feeling fresh, and ready to RUSH into action, whether at work, or play! If you want to protect your skin, and feel the RUSH! Get Northern Exposure Sunscreen, The Official Sunscreen of YOUR Yukon Rush!

 

*Product Not Yet Available in the Yukon Territory.*

 

Captain Montgomery’s Blubber Chips:

 

 

“I’m starving!!” Timmy would say, as he wiped sweat from his brow. He had been playing hockey with a rock and a PVC pipe he pulled from his neighbor’s irrigation system.

 

Fear not Billy! “It’s Ti-”  SNACK ON THESE!

 

Captain Montgomery’s Blubber Chips!

 

“Blubber Chips?”

 

Yes! Blubber Chips!  

 

These chips, with their cool, clean consistency, are made from real polar bear blubber! You’ll be begging Mom for more! That’s why they’re the official snack food of YOUR Yukon Rush, and officially endorsed by starting Goalie, Rhett Stoffiday!

 

“I never agre-” Haha, thanks Rhett! So get your hands on some Captain Montgomery’s Blubber Nuggets…. TODAY!

 

“When your feeling starved, don’t look to far, and whistle for The Cap’n!”

 

“These taste like extinction!”

 

Bearskin-

 

 Ever been cold?

 

Ever been sitting, watching TV with a bag of cheetos naked in a folding chair?

 

No?

 

Oh well, YOU NEED BEARSKIN!

 

Made from the same pelt used in the movie “The Revenant” by Leonardo DiCaprio, This pelt will keep you as warm as a man who was mauled by a bear!

 

Bearskin is the official bear...skin….sponsor of YOUR Yukon Rush! This patented system keeps heat in, and gives you that “trapped under a large woodland creature” feeling all day!

 

Yes, for just 4 easy payments of 24.27 CAD, this pelt can be yours!

 

If you act right now, we’ll throw in this Beaver Pelt absolutely free! Feel like a true “RUSHER” with BEAR SKIN!

Edited September 24, 2018 by Pierogi Tuxedo

[diamond_ace 3,112]

1 minute ago, Advantage said:

apparently the only player to struggle with it was Logan Laich who used to apply it on the wrong side of the blade.  

This wins, shut it down everyone

[Dtayl 104]

Flint Water - Bottled straight from the ground in Flint, Michigan. This water is some of the most mineral-rich water on earth. Flint water contains hundreds of different compounds that have been clinically proven to improve health, performance and taste. Flint water is also the only water in the world that is naturally grey! The benefits and uniqueness of Flint Water are endless. You will find no better water in the world than from Flint, Michigan. Head down to the nearest store and get yourself a big bottle of Flint Water!

(Ooc: Spinoff of Fiji Water hehe) 

Ahdidaz - "Rep the 4 stripes". Ahdidaz is one of the world's top performance apparel brands. Some of the world's top athletes are signed to Ahdidaz because they know true quality. Ahdidaz makes shoes, clothing, jerseys, hats and much more. The brand with 4 stripes will not disappoint. 

 

To be cont.

[Devise 4,475]

Rogue Squadron 

 

All Wings Report In! The greater VHL universe has been plagued by tyranny and oppression for far too long. The OBC-Supremacy has long since threatened the very fabric of the VHL. The legacy of Rogue Squadron runs deep in the VHL meme lore databanks and just like as then, we now must band together like a group of rebels to face down our diabolical overlords. Other brands may sell you on their affinity to a history long since irrelevant, but they still live within the confines of the mighty Darth Draper himself. We've obtained battle plans for a mighty weapon that the Supremacy has been rumored to of been working on for nearly 20 seasons. Code-named the VHL Portal, this devise device is said to have the power to destroy VHL teams right from their core. The travesty known as the Cologne Express Massacre was only the beginning. Please join to help us now, you're our only hope. 

 

 

DST Squad

 

Are you a VHL athlete that travels a lot? Who doesn't when a European schedule comes a long. With all the hustle and bustle of your busy hockey life, it can be easy to lose track of time. Things get even more complicated when you have to start transitioning to different time zones. Our state of the art all in one athlete equipment solution is the first of it's kind, and manages your entire life both on and off the rink. Once equipped, you'll be synced with the premiere new timezone exclusive to our authentic athletes known as Da-Trifecta Standard Time. While synced, you'll be able to effectively dominate the competition using our proven method of vibrating at entirely higher frequency. Gang gang and become one with the DST Squad!

 

 

Vasteras Iron Eagles

 

As the old saying goes...what is dead may never die and metal birds will always fly. Vasteras may not of been able to hack it as a regular team in the VHL or VHLM, I mean probably worst franchise ever in the history of ever. Like ever. But hey, we had our loyal followers. We did good, like once or twice or maybe three times in our entire history. But we certainly tried. So now, with brands? We get to try again! Support the Vasteras Iron Eagle brand to build the narrative on the longest most drawn out underdog story ever. With your help, we can turn the awful #FuckVasteras meme back on the haters, as it'll finally be time for #VasterasFucksYou. 

 

[Baozi 1,660]

TWICE

Named after the popular group that Tzuyu started her career with. Anything generic brands do, it can do twice as good! Condoms single use? Wrong Get TWICE brand double use condoms. One shot espresso? Try out TWICE MCAFE Latte. One time toliet paper? Howabout three ply toliet paper TWICE? Why pay for once when you can get TWICE the product!

Sign up for your membership now to TWICE product lines and receive two memberships for the price of one!

 

FONG

Need to toughen up to smash that ass? Or howabout to fight back and beat up the bully or simply to conquer the workspace? FONG branded supplements will help you get the job done. Whether its a mental enhancer or a performance enhancer, FONG has your back! Need to mock internet nerds? We got the brain supplement for 3x more TROLLY AND QUICKER RESPONSES. Need to go on forever until she cries NO MATTER WHAT SIZE YOU HAVE? We got you going with the FONG. Good for at least TWICE the duration. Sucks if you are an earlier finisher, but don't fret, just take double dosages!

 

DISCORD

Ever feel you need a long term investment? DISCORD Funds is backed by FONG management. Guaranteed long term gains of at least market value. Ask how long we've been in the business? How long did we have to get here and how many eras of CHAT did we go through? Yet here we are, the winners. You can be a winner too. Just ask your local fund advisor how to get into our fund portfolio. Make the smart choice now and win in the future. Use it as your welfare retirement fund!

 

[Spade18 1,308]

Rayne Gear- Who knows hockey gear better than the professionals?  Manufacturers Deagun Rust and Shane Mars have paired with long time VHL Veteran Defenseman Colton Rayne to produce a new line of revolutionary hockey gear, designed for maximum protection, serious comfort, and killer style.  Rayne Gear is taking strides to revolutionize the Hockey Gear market with never before seen styles of padding, concussion preventing helmets, synthetic breathable no-rip jerseys, durable, flexible sticks and comfortable, powerful skates.  It wont be long before we see the VHL's top talent stepping on the ice, dripping with Rayne Gear. Once you're all geared up for on the ice, represent your favorite teams off the ice with Rayne Gear's line of customizable VHL jerseys, hats, hoodies and shoes.  You wont ever have to go out without your Rayne Gear again.

 

LaRoux Sports Betting - You've been watching hockey your whole life.  You can tell your friends and family who is going to win the Continental Cup 5 months before it's handed out.  Watching Hockey is thrilling, but dont you wish there was something a little.... more?  Well now you can put those Hockey guru talents to to work.  Go online to LaRouxSB.com or visit one of LaRoux's many convenient sponsored outlets and get a little skin in the game! Buy in for the first time and we'll match your bet up to $200! Must be 18 years or older to place a wager.  Problems with Gambling Addiction? Call 1-800-522-4700.

 

Redcoat-  Redcoat sporting stores are ready to get you, your family and your home ready for this Hockey season!  Redcoat has thousands of locations nation wide and carries everything you'll need to step on the ice or watch from the comfort of your home.  We carry padding sticks and helmets from all major brands, Jerseys of VHL and NHL teams, and both roller and ice skates! Trying to beat the cold inside this winter? We carry blankets, apparel, and paraphernalia in your favorite team's colors and logo.  Whether you're skating to a championship, tailgating, or riding the pine in your living room, Redcoat is there for all of your Hockey needs!

[Spade18 1,308]

@Quik Can I claim this for both my players? or just one?

[omgitshim 903]

Ray Zerr Blades

 

You can wear regular ice skates if you want to be a casual, but if you really want to excel in the VHL, your only real choice is Ray Zerr Blades! Designed and tested by former NHL equipment manager Ray Zerr, these blades are the sharpest on the market! The blades etch themselves directly into the ice to allow for incredible precision and control when skating. You'll be so engraved into the ice that you can even stay upright even from the most vicious hits. And if someone does knock you on your ass, you can always take off your cleat and try to stab someone with it!*

 

*Stabbing other players is not endorsed by the VHL.

 

Fit Kat

 

You ever crave that sweet taste of chocolate crispy wafers but are stuck on a strict athletic diet? Well fret no more! Officially endorsed by NASA, FEMA, and the Red Cross, Fit Kat provides all the vitamins and nutrition required for modern athletes while retaining that same sweet taste you've grown to love! The secret is a magically goo injected directly into the wafer that comes from the most fit individuals in the world! Each bite is a taste sensation that strengthens body and mind alike. Try it once and you'll be addicted for life!

 

VPS

 

Ever order some hockey gear online just to have it arrive AFTER game day? Well worry no longer! The VHL has officially founded the VPS (Victory Postal Service), the world's first delivery service specializing exclusively with hockey goods and services! Got a 2 PM game but your gloves tore in warm-ups? Place your order at VPS.VHL.virus.edu.gov and watch as our delivery van will bring you new gloves in half an hour or less, or your next order is free!* VPS utilizes a unique underground travel system created by visionary Milon Ellusk that allows our vans to travel at the speed of light!** Give us a try and you'll never go back to the old ways!

 

*Free order is only applicable on merchandise valued at $2 or less. Limit 1 per person, void where prohibited.

**Light speed travel not yet implemented.

[SlapshotWrangler 864]

Eetmuh Balls-We are Eetmuh Balls, a ball manufacturing company. We make Golf Balls, Basketballs, Soccer Balls, Bowling Balls, and even Cheese Balls. Call us whenever you need to play with our balls. They are the bounciest and are the most strongest balls you will ever see and feel. Kids love our balls. You can be sure that everyone of our Eetmuh balls is of good quality. Call 420-360-6969 to get a taste of our balls.

 

Net Of Sports-Do you love hockey? Do you love sports? Then Nets of Sports is just for you! We stream hockey, soccer, golf, basketball, football, darts, and more! We have 5 channels so you have a lot of options. You can also stream videos on your device by subscribing to Net Of Sports Now. You can download the app in the App Store, Google Play, Steam, and more!

 

Lower Deck-Do you like flinging around useless pieces of cardboard? Then call us! We make hockey cards, except they are made out of the finest materials including scrap paper, frozen dog feces, and chicken skin. And, unlike our Upper Deck rivals, we don't have any rare cards, they are all base cards, so you don't have to deal with that one guy who flexes his McDavid Rookie Card. Like, cmon, you think that's good? Rookies, check out my Alexandre Daigle base card.

 

 

[Quik 4,113]

26 minutes ago, Spade18 said:

@Quik Can I claim this for both my players? or just one?

I’m gonna say one, and you can do another 3 for your other player

[Will 4,662]

Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce 

An advertising firm founded in part by former VHL player Don Draper and current VHL player Roger Sterling. Situated on New York's Madison Avenue, SCDP has done work for numerous prestigious and well-known international brands, including Lucky Strike cigarettes, Heinz, Hershey, Jaguar, Chevorlet,  Life cereal, and more. Most recently, SCDP has ventured into sports, becoming the Victory Hockey League's exclusive advertising agent. As part of their marketing strategy, SCDP brings many of the league's top players under contract each season and pays them handsomely to be featured in promotional material for the league. Do you have sick dangles and killer smile to boot? Have your guy call our guy. 

[Quik 4,113]

[majesiu 58]

Sparky sparkies - have you ever missed a goal during the televised hockey game? Maybe even spent a good few seconds now and then on the stands after sipping a good chug of beer trying to find that black puck that gets lost. What if not only it had distinguishable color but also left a visible sparkling mark in the route it has traveled. Not just simple sparkling stars left on ice but even thanks to aerosol propellant visible when puck leaves the ground in the fly. That's where sparky sparkies come into play! Call 509-232-321 to check this unbelievable offer and invest into this spectacular sparkling bright opportunity.

 

Long Lateral Hockey Movement Gear (LLHMG) - do you think that most boring hockey element is skating? We completely agree! What if players had to ski instead and use the gigantic slope of one thousand and two hundred meters long being 4 hundred wide just to get to the goal? That would be an astonishing combination of different skills and would guarantee non stop action that would allow even most ridiculous malcontents to discover something new in this very traditional sport. Not only this expands the player base to everyone having skis and not just skates but would allow hockey two have two variants of the sport in the Olympics. Think about all potential in both TV revenue and new marketing opportunities and join this initiative now!

 

P&S S - Puck and Stick Snacks - all sports industries are booming and it is time to capitalize on it - why not invest in the gastronomy sector. Hockey presents a perfect opportunity - average games features not only long breaks during the periods but also two very long intermissions that should allow the audience to enter bars and restaurants. The only thing missing is sports iconic food. My proposal is Hockey sticks that are really sugar canes - nothing helps the fans enthusiasm like the good old sugar rush. To control that effect tough Puck snack comes with help - it's probably one of the sourest tastes that have a secret recipe.

[oilmandan 688]

SHIN HELL HOCKEY STICKS 

 

Do you have a score to settle? Someone sucker punch you? Then we have the stick for you. Lumber up with the nearly indestructible Shin Hell line of hockey sticks. Tested and designed for extreme usage and durability, the Shin Hell 1000, 2000 and the brand new 3000 designed by Aaron Ekblad himself are your weapon of choice to land devastating blows to shin pads, shoulder pads and even helmets if you so choose. Built with solid oak and made in one piece, they have a lifetime guarantee. Available in 3 exciting colors. Black, blue and bloodstained. Sold only at Canadian Tire.

 

MCWOLF HOCKEY AGENTS AGENCY

 

In the latest move to take over the VHL universe, McWolf hockey now offers player representation services. Along with its founder being a player, assistant general manager, and writer for the VHLM magazine and general know it all among other things, he now will offer his expertise as a player agent. From financial planning to real estate sales and purchases, Joseph McWolf will do his best to make your life and hockey career as easy as possible. And if you are interested in other services, just ask, he will go above and beyond to satisfy his clients. Remember the name McWolf for everything hockey!

 

SURE-WOOD HOCKEY EQUIPMENT 

 

Wanna be like the pros in bed? Then get your gloves on SURE-WOOD hockey condoms. Official protection of the VHL. From the makers of Sher-Wood hockey equipment, comes its latest invention, the hockey condom. Shaped like a hockey helmet and with a full length “visor", the hockey condom offers protection from all kinds of rough dirty play. Next time you go for 2 minutes in the sin bin, make sure you're fully equipped with one of our full line of helmets. Available in 3 sizes, “Chara” for “tall” players. “McDavid” for high performance and our new “theo fleury" for players that are shorthanded. Available anywhere hockey gear is sold

[Tagger 2,722]

Ubuyalot Games: Love hockey games for your favourite video game consoles but hate actually having to do something that requires any amount of skill or nuance to win? Then you're gonna love VHL '62, Ubuyalot Games latest installment in the VHL franchise! Want to pass the puck to your favourite VHL player? Pay $5 and we'll deliver that pass straight to him! Want to make sure your team wins that last regular season game to get into the playoffs? Send us $100 and you're well on your way to Continental Cup success! Want your created player to make the Hall of Fame but don't have the $10 000 required to buy your way in? Don't worry! You can purchase it in advance and we'll be sure to come round to your house to pick up the fee along with the 2500% interest add-on at a later date so you don't forget! Ubuyalot Games; It's In The Game (For an additional fee)!

 

Barabash Management Assistance:  Need to spend some time away from your busy management job but need to fulfill goals while you're gone? Here at Barabash Management Assistance, our top-of-the-range AI make sure that you can take the break you need while still enjoying the success you'd have had if you were here! Here's one satisfied customers testimony! 

 

"I had to take time away from my VHL General Manager job on two different occasions and was worried about what would happen while I was gone. Luckily I found Barabash Management Assistance and they set me up with an AI bot to fill in for me. Not only did I get my well-needed break, I also won two Continental Cups those seasons I took leave!" 

 

Ambuflatulance: Play hockey in front of smaller crowds and are worried that your audible bouts of wind will be easily traceable? Well Ambuflatulance has you covered! Place the Ambuflatulance product in your underwear and have your farts be converted into one of fifty two obnoxiously loud goal horns; including wolf cries, viking horns and everyone's favourite; the ambulance siren! The crowd will be so confused that no-one will have the slightest idea as to what's going on and your secret shame is yours to keep! Product warning: Continued flatulence combined with use of Ambuflatulance may come with a dark price.

[Philliefan 69]

 

Cunning Stunts

Have you ever wanted to see XTREME HOCKEY? Well, me too. Instead, buy some of our awesome indoor ice sheets WITH RAMPS!!! Didn’t think you needed them, you say? Wrong! Snipe top shelf every shot!! Have trouble getting air under your saucer passes! No longer! Never have any trouble with your shots any longer! Shooting too high, you say? Well…. Get better at hockey. Or, buy the ramp roof extension! Keep your shots and passes at the perfect height and just fine tune your power! Don’t worry about the fact the roof will block your stick, just buy it! GET SOME RAMPS ON ICE.

 

H-E-Doule Hockey Sticks

When you were little, every adult told you not to play with fire. We disagree. Don’t just play with fire, play hockey with fire. Our sticks are literally figuratively literally made in Hell, made specifically to burn your opponents with amazing skill and an amazing stick. All of our sticks are bright red and orange, a benefit to the player. Opponents are blinded just by glancing at the stick (your teammates are too, but let’s not get into that), resulting in easier dekes and dangles. Need help with your pokecheck? No problem! All of our hockey sticks melt right through opposition sticks so you can snag the puck with ease! Editor Note: Be careful when playing on ice, as our sticks will probably maybe definitely melt through that too.

[Quik 4,113]

One more that I just thought of:

 

DaaDSocks

Something something, make fun of the Canucks, something something...

 

@DollarAndADream

[Jubo 1,839]

Stick-Spit

From the makers of Flex Tape comes a revolutionary hockey tape specially designed for second to none stick-handling and release. Stick-Spit uses the most durable adhesive on the planet yet is easy to remove when needed. Years of innovation have led to this must have product. Stick-Spit is the official hockey tape provider for the Las Vegas Aces. The front side of the tape takes the sole of a golf wedge and combines it with the abrasiveness of high grade sandpaper. The groves allow for easy reception of passes and increased passing and shooting accuracy. Canadian-made, globally trusted; Stick-Spit is here to take over the hockey tape industry one stick at a time.

 

Everblades

The skate blade protector everyone is talking about. With breathable rubber inserts and a never wet outer surface, Everblades are here to save your skates from the dreaded off-season rust. Every hockey player has experienced owning or observing a team-mates skates developing rust. With Everblades simply place the protectors over your skate blades and experience the satisfaction of knowing the next time you hit the ice your blades will be in pristine condition. Everblades are a product every hockey fan needs to own and as we are in out first year of availability we are offering a buy one pair receive a second free promotion available to all first time buyers.

 

Vision1

For the skater who dawns a visor, Vision1 is the protective spray that provides a guaranteed resistance to surface scratches without hindering the user’s clarity. Whether you use a full visor or half visor, Vision1 is second to none. Vision1 can also be used on car windshields, mirrors, cell phone screens, glassware, windows and much much more. No need to fumble with film or adhesive protectors again. Any reflective or see through surface you can imagine, Vision1 is the product what will keep it looking new for years to come. Vision1 is a proud sponsor of minor hockey throughout Canada and believes strongly in growing hockey from its roots. $1 from every purchase of Vision1 visor spray goes to a local minor hockey league near you.